Dysfunctional
by Oneshadedarker
Summary: Comfort comes in many flavors. For Axel it came in the form of a clingy blond, baby stories, wounded pride and condom balloons...don't forget about the condom balloons [Axel x Demyx]


**Character(s)**: Mainly Axel, Demyx, (mentions of Roxas), and to a smaller degree Zexion, Xemnas and Saïx

**Warnings: **Swearing, innuendo and Axel losing to karma. Maybe in the next life pretty boy.

**Rating:** T

**Words:** 2,564

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Kingdom Hearts and make no profit from its name and characters.

**A/N: **This was supposed to be a drabble...yeah, as you can probably tell I'm not really good with those. Still shorter than my usual strories and something to get my creative juices flowing. It's nothing special really, just something light to match my mood. I've returned to my roots and writen a Demyx/Axel, hopefully one of many more to come. I hope you enjoy and review if you like.

* * *

His fingers twitched, clutching the bedding in his hand until his nails made small imprints in the fabric, the voice in his head counting back from one hundred because ten just couldn't do the job anymore. It used to, oh god it used to but then again it also _used_ to be quiet, his Assassin Nobodies _used_ to fear him, hell, his _subordinates_ _used_ to be scared shitless. But that all went down the drain too. Now he had to be content with one hundred…or more specifically sixty-seven… 

"…so they made this adorable finger painting of me, you should have seen it, aside from the green paint, stick figure body and lack of skill altogether it looked _just_ like me. You wouldn't believe how creative they are at this age...(inhale, blow)"

_Sixty-six_…

"…a few drank some of the paint but it didn't do much, being made out of water it just turned them this odd shade of red, it was actually very pretty. With the lights hitting them it created a beautiful reflection against the white walls. Except I forgot about the dancers…(inhale, blow)"

_Sixty-four…no, wait, sixty-five…_

"…and being naturally resentful of the color some of them attacked. There were splatters all over the wall. It was kind of disturbing until the dancers starting using their remains to finger-paint. Then it was just cute. You…might _not_ want to go near them in the future, with your hair and all…just want to throw it out there…"

_Sixty-four…sixty-two…sixty…oh fuck it, ONE…_

"…so then…"

"Oh my god, oh my god, shut up!" Axel shouted in frustration, shooting up from his prone position on the bed and knocking the balloon out of the others hand mid blow watching it deflate with a sick sense of satisfaction. It gave a few shuddering spurts of air before landing between them and a small Assassin Nobody sitting comfortably between the Nocturnes outstretched legs. Most of the satisfaction vanished when the Nobody gave him a wide eyed look, wounded and desperate, its large yellow eyes welling up with tears and a few pathetic whines escaping.

Axel's first instinct was to bolt, knowing his servants had a ridiculously bad tendency to explode for anything short of making sense. If he was lucky he could make it before Demyx and lock the Nocturne in, killing two birds with one stone. Literally.

Luckily (or unluckily, depending on who you asked) it didn't get far before Demyx picked it up and began to rock it back and forth, mothering in a way that made Axel's masculinity uncomfortable and his sanity grateful.

"There there, don't cry. Papa Axel didn't mean it. He's just upset because the dancers can't look past their prejudices to see the deformed heart hidden beneath all that constricting leather. But with enough love and motivation we can overcome his horrible disfigurement and be one big happy, albeit elementally incompatible, family. I'm sure I have some hair dye somewhere…hmm…"

The assassin, a runt by any measure (a child's Nobody no doubt) tilted his head slightly, a confused look on its face as it listened to Demyx speak, a far away look in the blue eyes. It didn't particularly care about anything the Nocturne said, making impatient noises and motioning toward the discarded balloon sitting next to its master. Demyx, seemingly realizing this, retrieved it and resumed blowing it up, the Nobody squealing in glee as it took form. Axel groaned, falling back with a heavy thump against the bed and heard "Junior" squeal in delight.

Xemnas, that asshole, thought it was a good idea to hold a seminar about safe sex after a few of his subordinates (namely Luxord) had gotten shitfaced and were let loose on an unsuspecting Port Royal. Five months later reports had come in from all over about women found with their stomachs ripped open, something having clawed its way from their womb and making daddy proud by destroying anything that moved. Luxord had the privilege of killing his abominations of nature but not before taking baby pictures he kept in his wallet and showed upon occasion.

They were _hideous_. No one bothered to tell him that though…they were dead anyway. No harm, no foul. Still, it made a pretty damn good case for neutering.

Apparently, the only member to have gone to the seminar was Demyx who, not only learned about the dangers of allowing one's seed to inhabit a closeted gene pool where one's cousin was fair game, but also received a lifetime supply of condoms (Twelve more or less. For Demyx, that _was_ a lifetime supply.)

It was still a lot of condoms. Condoms which he was currently making into balloon animals for his once vicious Assassins who should have, in all reason, killed the man where he sat for stumping their bloodlust and retarding their minds.

Axel sighed, knowing it was pointless and damning Roxas for having introduced him to this hell in the first place. During his time in the Organization Number XIII hadn't made many friends, save for Axel and to a smaller degree Demyx. Though their relationship hadn't been as complex as his bond to the pyromaniac it had still been a soothing balm of a different variety and an alternative when everything else (namely Axel) became too much.

Then he'd decided to introduce Number VIII and Number IX, perhaps hoping to ease the guilt of his departure by leaving his best friend with someone who, in his opinion, could handle him.

The _next time I see him I'm going to kill him…and then I'll use a Phoenix Down and kill him again. One for every baby story he's told so far. _

Demyx had stuck to him like glue after that, refusing to leave him alone in the wake of Roxas departure. At first Axel had tried to be subtle, his 'No's' ending with barely there explanations that should have clued the idiot in on Axel's thoughts of their supposed 'friendship.' Apparently subtle was lost on people who were batshit crazy the redhead learned one disastrous day when Demyx snuck into his room and crawled under the sheets next to him, breaking all personal space clauses and ushering in Axel's accursed insomnia for weeks to come.

Next he'd tried setting traps. A few pressure activated mini explosives on the floor, a black magic trap that opened up a portal if touched and a strange variation of a bear trap Luxord had used to catch his offspring, something he'd had mounted on a wall for posterity. Sometimes…Luxord really fucking scared him.

He still doesn't know exactly _how_ Demyx managed to get passed all the traps when the idiot can actually trip over absolutely nothing and barely walk and chew without having brain lag. Still there he was the next day, kneeling on Axel's bed with a grin on his face and one of his fishbowls gnawing on his leather covered arm in greeting. He also remembers throwing a pillow at the asshole and having it land on the floor, setting off every trap in a singular explosion that incinerated his door and singed his eyebrows. Demyx was fine. Apparently natural selection favors the wicked.

He knows he cried a little bit after that one. Especially when he realized, if he killed himself, he'd just go to hell. Meaning he'd just wind up back in his room with Demyx. It was a lose/lose situation.

His last resort had been his Assassins. His trained soldiers, fierce and proud in a way that reflected his character, his secret pride and joys. He had been positive they wouldn't fail him. How could Demyx possibly stand up to an army of barely sane Nobodies whose favorite pastime was masochism by detonation?

He was now watching his 'pride and joys' have mock battles with inflated condom balloons, smacking each other in the face and creating enough innuendo to make him feel sick. Apparently that was their kryptonite, where insanity drew the line and decided to have tea on the remains of his soul.

Who fucking knew?

Axel was ready to give up. Even he knew a losing battle when he saw one and the lack of sleep was making it hard for him to come up with excuses as to _why _he should push Demyx away. If the idiot wanted to stay near him so badly then it was his funeral. Eventually he would grow bored and leave. Wanting something was different from having it. Roxas had taught him that much.

He didn't know exactly when he closed his eyes but he does remember the annoying exhales as Demyx struggled with a new balloon. He opened his eyes, glaring hard at the Nocturnes flushed face and, on impulse, grabbed the base of the balloon and squeezed, forcefully shoving air back into the blonde's windpipe and causing him to squeak in alarm. A minute passed in silence, all the Assassins stopping mid-thrust (damn it, fucking innuendo) and watching their pseudo-parents stare at each other in a battle of wills.

"What was that for?" Demyx whined, immediately covering his mouth when his voice came out squeaky and high, like listening to someone who had a rubber duck stuck in their throat. Axel starred, flabbergasted, as the other blushed hard, coughed and tried again with similar results.

And honestly Axel had no real choice. It began as a small rumble in his chest, eventually pushing past his throat and out of his mouth in loud bursts that had him clutching his stomach. He laughed. And laughed. And laughed some more, harder than he had in a long time and watched through watered eyes as Demyx gave him an incredulous stare, scooting back slightly and clutching the baby assassin closer to his chest.

It took a while for him to calm down, his stomach aching pleasantly and his throat slightly raw but it was the most alive he'd felt since Roxas left. He sat up on his elbows, wiping away stray tears and turned toward the blonde who had scooted, along with a large majority of his Nobodies, toward the edge of the bed, huddled together in common fear and strength by numbers.

Axel rolled his eyes; reaching out toward Demyx and grasping his wrist, dragging him to his side and pushing on his shoulders to lie prone beside him. Once satisfied the other wouldn't run away he lay back down, turning on his side to face Demyx and gave him a Cheshire smile, something soft but knowing. It made the blondes heart pound a bit harder against his ribs and he returned the smile with one of his own, a wordless acceptance of Axel's surrender.

A few of the assassins crawling up between them and found beds against the contours and indents of their bodies. It felt slightly nice, like sleeping near a horde of wolves with a wounded thigh and he was never, EVER going to let them this close again unless ridiculously drunk or dead. He wouldn't be conscious for either so they could have a fucking party with his for all he cared.

"If this is going to work…no more condom balloons." Axel growled, popping a nearby balloon one of the assassins had shoved in his face. The others quieted down, scooting closer to their 'mother' in the hopes of saving their own balloons from possible obliteration. Axel refrained from banging his head against the headboard, annoyed at how wimpy and complacent his soldiers had become. As soon as everything was settled he was getting them as far away from the blond as possible. Fucking traitors. If they had done their jobs well he wouldn't be in this mess.

Demyx muffled a laugh in the pillow, happy Axel had, at least, had the common decency to stop trying to kill him. It was a good first step. Now he could actually give the man back a bit of his personal space with the knowledge that Demyx was willingly giving it back to him and, if he tried to ignore him again, could and would take it away. He was going to keep his promise to Roxas. Axel was going to going to have so much companionship he was going to drown in it.

"Fine. Besides, I'm all out. I'd ask the Superior but, last I saw, he was giving Saïx the hands on experience…"

"Oh God. I think I threw up a little…"

Demyx laughed and made to stand when Axel caught his wrist, squeezing hard enough to bruise. Demyx gave a mock whine, pulling hard to free himself and bit his lip when Axel growled, pulling him back down. "Where the hell do you think you're going?"

"Well, now that I don't need to worry about your mood swings I'm going to go hit the hay. I'm tired…and dizzy. I get the feeling spending an entire afternoon blowing up balloons hasn't helped brain function." He shrugged, trying to stand again and nearly toppling back when Axel actually yanked him back into his side, back to chest, legs entwined and his hands held prisoner in one of the redheads own. He blinked, unsure how that had happened and gave one of the assassins a pleading look.

The 'I-could-probably-help-you-but-I'm-gong-to-pretend-I'm-about-as-dumb-as dirt-and-drool-awkwardly' look he received told him he was on his own. He sighed, laying his head down on Axel's shoulder, his body lax and warm.

"After all the crap I went through I'm going to go to sleep. And you're going to sleep with me because I don't trust you enough not to get your ass blown up first chance you get."

Demyx frowned, elbowing him in the gut and knowing it was Axel's paranoia talking. It was hard being abandoned…it was harder when taking second chances. This would be Demyx third…Zexion still stung. Roxas had hurt. Axel's would probably bleed for days. But life (and death) was about chances. And Demyx had always taken as many as he could.

A soft snore brushed past his ear and Demyx shook his head, closing his eyes in fatigue and counting the rise and fall of Axel's chest until he fell into sleeps embrace. It felt nice to be held by someone other than ghosts. It almost felt like love.

"Good night Zexion…goodnight Roxas."

"It's fucking three in the afternoon."

Well, maybe not love. Maybe a very tolerant like…

"Shut up Axel."

* * *

"Number VIII I need to talk to you about your last report. Now where exactly …" Xemnas words died off in his throat, watching as Number VIII and IX curled in closer to one another, assassins and dancers alike making a semicircle around them in sleep. He closed the door and, shaking his head vigorously, opened it again. Yup, still there. "For the love of Kingdom Hearts, what the hell did I say about unprotected sex?!" 

"Sir?" Saïx inquired, raising an eyebrow at his Superiors odd behavior. Xemnas gave him a weary look, closing the door and leaning back against it in exasperation.

"Do you ever get the feeling people just don't listen to you?"

Saïx twirled another strand of hair between his fingers, observing a split end with distaste. A full minute of silence passed before he realized his Superior was giving him a defeated look, something akin to getting a puppy for Christmas and realizing your parents forgot to put holes in the box. "Did you…say something sir?"

Xemnas sighed. "Nothing important."

* * *

Poor Xemnas...I couldn't resist. 


End file.
